The Almost Empty Nester: Living In The Not Knowing

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Living In The Not Knowing

As I've said before, I'm a planner. I like to be prepared. I don't like surprises. I've been working on this lately. Truly. Living by faith, not by sight. Living in the not knowing. And it's really, really hard. 

Girly is a six-foot tall middle hitter in volleyball. We are a few weeks into her senior season. A week ago, she partially dislocated her knee cap. She had an MRI on Saturday and we had to wait until Wednesday to know if she also tore her ACL or not. 

We tried not to speculate and wobble back and forth between hope that her ACL is fine and trying to be prepared for worst case scenario news. It wasn't easy. We saw the orthopedic surgeon on Wednesday and thankfully, her ACL is not torn, but she is out for the season due to the partially dislocated knee cap. We are praying she can play the final home game of the season for Senior Night, but we just don't know. 

We are learning to live in the not knowing. 

And it's hard. 

Our hope in God's plan for her life is solid. As is our faith in trusting God beyond what we can see right in front of us. But it's still hard. 

Her team played in a tournament today and I stopped by to see one game. Then I left and sobbed the whole way home. Although my heart knows God's got this, I still mourn. I mourn for my girl child who now watches her senior season from the bench in a knee brace. 

I believe that living in the not knowing is where peace and pain coexist. I have a peace about the big picture, what God is doing in her life. And yet, at the same time, my heart hurts for what is lost. As much as I want to know why this is happening or if she will be solid enough to play Senior Night, I can't. Not now anyway. 

So now, we live in the not knowing. I talk to God. I cry when I need to. I hold her when she cries. And I embrace God's peace that covers me through it all. 

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